Best & Worst of Toddlerhood

Yesterday was a blissful day with Spence. He was fun, happy, well-rested and a ton of fun to be around. I wish they could all be like that.

Today was tortuous. I thought it would never end. From wake-up to bedtime (an hour early because we couldn’t take another hour), he was on the verge of throwing a back bending, head pounding tantrum. We tried to make the best of it, but we ended up leaving the playground and the frozen yogurt shop with a screaming boy. By dinner, I couldn’t take much more, but he had more to give. He refused to eat the vegetable lasagna I’d just made for him. Then he also refused cheese, blackberries (which he’d just eaten 2 hours earlier at the froyo shop!), and apples. Finally I gave him Veggie Booty which he happily ate and ate and ate as I watched in defeat.

I suppose this roller coaster is just part of toddlerhood and I need to accept it as the norm. I do feel like he gives me a much harder time than he gives his dad or the nanny. He also hits me and tries to hurt me which I don’t see him to do to anyone else. Do you think at this age, he’s already punishing me for being away too much at work? The consolation is that he also loves me harder than  anyone else, so I guess I’ll just deal with it.

Here are some pics from the good part of the weekend when Spencer discovered that glorious invention: the flashlight. He chased the light around the room in amazement.

Hugs & Kisses

Thanks for all the supportive comments to my last post! It’s nice to know I’m not alone and I totally agree that admitting the problem is the first step to recovery. That, and a haircut on Saturday.

Tomorrow I’m hosting a playdate at our apartment with 3 moms I met online. I’ve never met them in person and really don’t know much about them. But, Fridays alone with Spence can be LONG. He needs some kids to play with and I need some adults to talk to, so I hope it works out!

I’m trying to hold myself back from trying to make sure everything is 100% clean and organized in prep for the big playdate. Things I don’t normally see are suddenly glaring. Like the fact that fancy Tiffany vase we got for our wedding is filled with USB cables instead of flowers. Funny how we can look at things every day and not see the details.

It’s hard to ignore a smile like this though…

I’m not perfect, so why am I pretending to be?

More often than I like I find myself getting lost lately. I’m getting things done and keeping my little part of the world running, but I’m not coming up for air long enough from the daily minutiae to take a breath and see where I am and how I feel. 

This present state of mind starts small – like having a big deadline at work that engulfs my thinking for a bit. But then I have a sleepless night because Spencer is sick. And now I’ve got work stuff that would be a lot in the first place, but when you pile on a tired mind it’s too much. But I must go forth and I don’t let myself off the hook in the little ways that could probably stop the spiral. I bake not one, but two desserts for the family dinner. I volunteer to make invitations for the bridal shower when I could have bought them instead. I cook dinner instead of doing takeout. I try to do it all and in trying to do it all, I neglect some of the most important bits. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks and I haven’t been clearheaded enough to blog. Instead I spend my precious free time at night sitting like a zombie in front of the TV because it’s all I can handle after all the other stuff. (Yet, even while I’m doing watching The Hills, I’m still checking my Blackberry every 5 minutes.)

It’s so cliche – the harried mom trying to do it all. Be great at work and at home. But, I’m living it and not always well.  I don’t know why I can’t let myself off the hook. Why I can’t just feel proud when I manage to find time to do something for myself instead of feeling guilty that I’m not doing something for someone else. Like right now I feel like I should be ordering groceries instead of blogging. Yet, we’ll be fine if we have to eat frozen dinner for a few nights. And if I don’t clear my mind, well, who knows what happens next.

I need to learn to be ok with things not being perfect. Like a blog post with typos. And an email not answered until morning. And a giant pile of laundry that’s not getting washed tonight.

Accept imperfection.

No, embrace imperfection.   

Things I’ve been doing instead of blogging

1. Browsing real estate listings trying to figure out where I want to live.

2. This show, this show, and of course, this show.

3. Reading all the fun words the other kids are saying and trying not to worry that Spencer still isn’t talking.

4. Running away from this adorable monster:

5. Finding new foods to satisfy this guy’s appetite AND trying to stay on my diet cookie-deprived lifestyle.

6. Baking lemon cupcakes for today’s pre-Easter family get together. Note, how this activity could possibly interfere with #5.

7. Shopping for smaller clothes. Though I still haven’t gotten the courage to go to Anthropologie.

8. Visiting with the tax accountant. (Side rant: It’s ridiculous that you can only claim $3,000 in childcare costs – so much for family friendly policies.)

9. Baking and eating eggplant parm – my current culinary obsession.

10. Trying to come up with a #10.

Monday Morning Game

Here are 3 truths and 1 lie about me. Can you spot the falsehood?

– I came to work today with ravioli in my hair.*

– I’m wearing the same jeans I wore all weekend.**

– I closed my office door and took a catnap this morning. ***

– I got a tax bill from the IRS on Friday for $30,000. ****

* I swear I would have washed my hair this morning if I knew about this. But I didn’t discover it until after my shower, so I just had to do some creative brushing.

** I have a good excuse for this one. My washing machine is broken. AND I just lost 16 pounds (in case you hadn’t heard that yet I’ll just say it again – 16 pounds!) so I only have like 2 pairs of pants that fit anyhow.

*** Nope. Didn’t do this (yet). But it’s a FANTASTIC idea!

**** Oh good lord. This is true. I’ve been reassured by our financial advisor and an accountant that it’s all a big misunderstanding. But, I still cried when I opened that envelope. And my heart still pounds really, really hard when I think about it.

10% Less of Me

I saved a draft of this post earlier today. It went something like this…

"Oh crap. It’s another weigh in day at Weight Watchers. And I can’t stop eating that damn cream cheese poundcake I made. This is gonna be ugly. I need to come up with some kind of reward for myself when I make goal to get back on track…"

Well, now the weigh in has come and gone and I have something new to say…

"Holy crap! I made my 10% goal. I’m 16.2 pounds lighter than I was when the year started! Huzzah!"

My motivation to lose the weight was a trip to Anthropologie – lovely, lovely store full of tiny, tiny clothes. My inspiration has been a photo of my bikini-clad self from my honeymoon. Sadly, despite my success, there is still no way in hell I would wear a bikini right now. So, there’s still work to be done, but it’s more in the toning realm than the weight loss realm.

It does seem appropriate to reward myself though for my success thus far. So, I’m heading over to the Anthropologie website to face my fears and purchase something fabulous for myself.