Dear Self: Month 5

About a month ago I realized it was time to pay some attention to myself. Postpartum recovery (both physical and emotional) wasn't happening without some effort on my part. In truth, I think around 2 or 3 months after Owen's birth I developed postpartum depression, but tried my best not to acknowledge it in hopes that it would go away. But, the funny thing is that once I finally did fess up to myself, things got a whole lot easier.

I still have bad moments. The bad moments almost all center around remembering the night we rushed Owen to the hospital. I still can't think (or write) about that night still without tearing up. Thinking that your child is dying changes you. I try not to let it change me too much. I don't want to be overprotective or a worrywart. But, I flashback and remember the desperate feelings as we ran down the street with Owen in the stroller, stopping every block to nudge him awake, afraid that if we didn't he wouldn't ever wake up. I haven't been able to forget that feeling.

Physically I am still recovering too. I realized I needed some help about 6 weeks ago. Having an 11-pound baby is not something that I would recommend for your abdomen. Basically, my abdominal walls separated as a result of the pregnancy and as long as they're separated there are physical and aesthetic ramifications. The physical part is back pain. The aesthetic part is that my abdomen is droopy and I still look pregnant. I'm going to physical therapy twice a week to try to help restore things. There's been progress, but I still have a lot of work ahead of me. 

And then of course there's the baby weight. I've gone back to Weight Watchers for help losing the last 20 pounds of baby weight. We have an amazing vacation planned for mid January that will involve lots of beach wear, so I'm highly motivated in this respect.

I'm trying to be positive about everything. It feels good to know I'm taking charge. The hardest thing now is to be patient and not expect change to happen in a flash. And to remember to stop and take the time to make silly faces every so often.

Dear Owen: Month 5

I've struggled with what to write this month. How many times can I talk about how calm and chill and happy you are? You charmed the pants off everyone at Thanksgiving. You don't reserve any smiles – everyone gets one and you bring joy to all of us. 

You started eating solid foods this month. We started you early because formula wasn't filling you up anymore, big guy. Pears, apples, sweet potatoes, peas – so far you haven't met a fruit or veggie you don't love. Num, num, num. You smack your lips while I struggle to get the food in your mouth fast enough.

I stopped breastfeeding you too. I thought I'd feel guilty about not making it as long as I did with your brother, but surprisingly I don't. I think we're both happier this way. I get to eat dairy again and you don't get sick as often. Of course I miss the closeness, but we don't seem to have any problems finding other ways to bond. Any resentment you may harbor will dissipate when you taste pumpkin pie for the first time and understand what I was giving up. 

Keep smiling, sweetheart! I love you.