One

I should be sleeping. If my first year of motherhood taught me anything, it’s to sleep when you can. But, I can’t. My head is flooded with thoughts as my baby is on the brink of turning 1. One year ago tonight I went to bed for the last time with Spencer in my belly.

I am thinking of my labor and how primitive and animalistic it was. How the physical pain tears down the curtains we surround ourselves with to shroud our true emotions. At a certain point you just let go. You don’t care who’s looking or what you look like or what you sound like – you’re never more centered or in the moment.

When the baby arrives you are flooded with beautiful wonderful chemicals that allow you to enjoy those first few moments together instead of collapsing in a tired heap. Those primitive instincts continue and you want to hold and feed and protect your baby. You don’t know each other yet, but your mission is clear and you accept your new responsibility with trepidation and wonder and awe.

The first year unravels and you get to know each other. You share your innermost secrets over a jar of Stage 1 Peas. You lie on the floor next to each other giggling at nothing. Your limits of patience are tested. But you never question your limits of love.

Sometimes the days fly by and you are saddened by your inability to take in every detail of development. Other days feel like eternities and you wonder where you’ll find the strength to be able to wake up and do it all over again. 

You learn to give up control. And give up sleep. And give up a little slice of your sanity. But somehow you still manage.

Your life is complicated in every way imaginable. Your marriage. Your career. Your relationships with friends. Drinking a hot cup of coffee. It’s all different now.

And the source of all this complication is the most uncomplicated creature. He smiles when he’s content. And cries when he’s frustrated. He laughs when he’s joyful. He hasn’t learned to put up those curtains to hide his emotions yet. If he could talk, he’d never tell you he’s "fine." He’d tell you the truth.

I think if Spencer could talk to me today he’d tell me he’s happy and that I’m doing a good job. And to remember he’s pretty easy to please so not beat myself up when things aren’t perfect. He’d also ask me to feed him cheese for every meal and to stop trying to sneak in veggies. And to please give him back the cool whirly helicopter that he saw me put on top of the refrigerator when I thought he wasn’t looking. 

Sliding into Month 12

Literally…

With the big first birthday looming on the horizon, Spence seems to be feeling the pressure and wanting to make sure he meets all his milestones before the big day. The cruising has begun in earnest. Finally he’s getting a few more teeth. It looks like 3 or 4 of the top teeth are finally coming in to keep the two on the bottom company. He’s Mr. Independent with his food. Making huge messes, but loving being able to feed himself. He seems to be on the verge of mastering the sippy cup (well, the kind with a straw – do you still call that a sippy cup?).

It’s all happening very fast. It’s exciting, but not without a few speedbumps. (Literally, some bumps.) He threw his first public freakout on Friday during a playdate. It was the first time since his colicky first weeks that I could not calm him down. He screamed like a banshee (what is a banshee by the way?) all the way home. Everyone looked at us either with pity (the other parents) or disgust (the hipsters) as I raced home with him on one hip – screaming, nose dripping down my arm, tears soaking our shirts – and pushing the stroller with the other. Once home, he went straight to bed, so apparently that’s how he tells me he’s tired now. Anyow, the point is, he’s almost like a new kid every day. He’s changing that much right now.

So, we look forward to this last month of his first year with interest, trepidation, nostalgia, and excitement for all the big changes to come.

Today I am the mother of a 10-month old boy.

10 months ago I had no idea what today would be like. What do 10-month olds eat? Do they talk? Do they walk? I had a lot to learn.

9 months ago I was wondering what Spencer’s personality was going to be like? Would this colicky squawking baby ever be happy? Could I make him happy? I had my doubts.

When I watch him now, I can’t help but think we must have done something right during those first difficult months. Or maybe we just got lucky. But, my non-stop crier has grown into the happiest little boy. He’s got a big smile for everyone he meets. He’s full of spunk and energy. And my heart grows fuller every day.

Where’s Spencer?

Uh oh, mama found me!

Mama – Look what I did! Aren’t you proud? Come on – clap for me!

I know you’re worried I’m going to pinch my fingers, but you have to let me explore. Don’t come get me. I can do this all by myself!

See! I told you! I’m a big boy!

 

The post is brough to you by the number “9”

9 Things I Loved About Month 9 With Spence

1. He’s all toothy now. He got not 1, but 2 teeth.
2. He motors everywhere on his belly. He’s our little commando.
3. He gives his teddy bear kisses.
4. He crawls to the bathroom because he wants his toy frog that "lives" in the bathtub. How can he remember it’s there? I can’t even remember what I ate for dinner an hour ago.
5. Speaking of eating, he eats EVERYTHING. He still has not refused a food we’ve offered him. He’s tried yogurt, melon, mashed potatoes, and rice & beans. And that’s just this week.
6. He dealt with 10 hours in the hot car last weekend like a champ. Better than his mama did.
7. He handled being passed around from babysitter to babysitter all month like a champ. Better than his mama did.
8. He still curls his toes and hates shoes. See – he’s still a baby!
9. {{{drumroll}}} HE SLEEPS! OMG. HE SLEEPS! He goes to bed every night on his own and sleeps through the night. People told me this day might come. I was skeptical. I’m so proud of him. And relieved for me. {{{happy dance}}}

Happy 9 months, Spence! You’re growing up so darn fast. Slow down a bit – ok? Mama needs time to take it all in.

All aboard the sleep train

I’m scared to write this post. Every time I’ve written anything remotely positive about sleep, bad things happen. But, here it goes…

We started sleep training last Friday when we got home from vacation. I’m not sure what "method" we’re using – we just came up with something we’re both comfortable with. Bedtime goes something like this:

1. We go into our bedroom and lie on the bed together, reading books and having Spencer drink his final bottle (8 ounces).
2. When he finishes his bottle, we carry him to his crib and put him down with his Ugly Doll and pacificiers. (Yes, plural – just in case one falls out of his crib).
3. We give hugs and say good night and leave him…
4. After X minutes, we go in and check on him and give more hugs and make sure he has his pacifier. The first night we went in after 2 minutes, 6 minutes, 12 minutes, 20 minutes, etc. The second night we went in after 4 minutes, 10 minutes, 18 minutes, etc. And now we go in every 10 minutes.

The first night he cried for 40 minutes. Any parent who’s tried sleep training knows how excrutiating those 40 minutes were. It’s hard. Really hard. Night two he only cried for 15 minutes. Since then we’ve been in the 10-15 minute range.

Here’s the kicker – since we started doing this we’ve had some unexpected side effects.

1. He is generally sleeping through the night. We’ve had two nighttime wake-ups, but otherwise he doesn’t get up.

2. He’s going to bed earlier and earlier. We had originally picked 8:30 for his bedtime because we thought it was a good compromise between the 9:30-10:30 when he was going to bed and the 7:00-8:00 time when we thought he should go to bed. But, he’s sooo tired when I get home at 7, that he’s been in bed by 7:30 and asleep by 7:45 every night this week.

3. And, he’s waking up later. Most mornings he’s not waking up until 7:30 or 7:45. And even when he wakes up he still seems tired. (Is this normal?)

My husband and my nights are so different now too that we’re not spending the night trying to get him to sleep. We can eat dinner slowly and at the same time. We can watch TV with the volume on and closed captioning off. We can talk, not whisper to each other about our days. Cool!

The negative is that we don’t get to spend as much time with Spence. A little time before work in the morning and a little time at night when we’re reading books. But, that’s it on work days. Sad.

But, I know this is all for the collective good of the family, so we shall soldier on as a well-rested family.  Hip, hip horray for sleep training!

Dr. Poopy, Here we come

This afternoon we go to the poop doctor. (That’s a pediatric gastroenterologist for you adults reading.)

I get so nervous going to these "special" doctors. I want to get help for Spence so badly, but I don’t want them to have to do any tests on him or for him to have a bad experience. To calm my nerves, I wrote out everything about Spence’s diet and poop habits that I could think of. I tried to reconstruct the last 9 weeks(!) so I can accurately tell the doctor what’s changed or hasn’t changed in Spence’s diet since the problems started. At the very least, I’m prepared.

I’m also nervous for the nanny to bring Spencer into Manhattan. (They are meeting me at the doctor since I work nearby.) She’s never taken him on the subway before. But, she’s totally capable and I’m sure she’ll have no problem, so I should just chill now.

Update later today when we get back. To be continued…

Update:

So, after a very, very long hour+ in the waiting room, the diagnosis is severe constipation. We have a prescription to try since the food-based solutions haven’t worked. Dr. Poopy ruled out colitis and a milk allergy, but wants him to get tested for celiac disease. I was happy to leave with something new to try – I just hope it works and it’s not too harsh for my little guy. He told me that it’s not technically approved for infants, but they’ve been using it successfully for a number of years. If I weren’t at such a big hospital, I might have balked. But, I do feel like they probably have a pretty sound basis for their judgement because of the number of patients they see and have tried it with.

The Month of Laughs

Guess who is 7 months old today?

Yep, it’s our old pal Spencer.

I think I’m going to fondly look back on this month as our month of laughs. I can’t ever remember laughing as much as I’ve laughed this month. When I laugh, he laughs. I love to make him laugh, so I laugh a lot. He loves to make me laugh, so it all works out nicely. We’re one BIG reciprocal laugh! (Except of course when it’s time to go to bed then, we’re one big ear piercing scream-o-rama.)

For example:

He’s a good sport and lets me dress him up so I can have a laugh:

Other times, he just knows what to do without my help*:

And sometimes we’re just goofy together like when we discover we dressed alike and have similar bellies**:

So, all in all, I can’t find much to complain about this month. It would be great if the teeth finally came in and the poop finally came out, but who cares when you’re laughing so hard?

* Daddy has (rightfully so) dubbed this his Playgirl centerfold pose.

** I can’t believe I posted my belly blubber for the world to see. Obviously all the laughing has dislodged some brain matter. 

God is good. Sometimes.

The Good:

After months of waffling because of my own off again/on again relationship with the Catholic Church, we finally had Spencer baptized yesterday. I decided that it was best to get him baptized so that he can make his own decisions about organized religion later in life (without having to undergo adult baptism). So, for 2 hours (mass then baptism) I renounced Satan, prayed that my dress seams wouldn’t burst, and daydreamed of the yummy eggs benny waiting for me at brunch. Spencer was an angel. Really, he was. He even entertained his grandparents by making cute smiley faces at them as they sat in the pew behind us.

The Bad:

Spencer’s godfather didn’t make it to the church in time for the baptism.

And he didn’t call to tell us he was running late.

My dad ended up filling in during the ceremony which I’m still not sure if that’s technically allowed (we are talking about the Catholic Church here – there’s a rule for everything). Talk about stress! Turns out he was stuck in traffic. It happens. Driving in this area is a total nightmare sometimes. The 20-mile drive between our houses might take 45 minutes or it might take 2.5 hours like it did for them yesterday.

Plus, he had hurt his back earlier that morning. (And, we have reason to suspect he might have been hungover.) The back was so bad in fact, that he could hardly stand upright and instead of coming to brunch with us, he went to the hospital.

What a horrible day for him. I felt bad for him and hope he’s feeling better today. But, dear God, this is precisely why cell phones were invented! Let us know you’re running late!   

The Ugly:

My uncle-in-law – king of all thing inappropriate – congratulated Ian on our pregnancy. He could "just tell that I was pregnant again by the way I was dressed". Nothing like a pregnant comment 6 months post-partum to shoot a girl’s self-esteem down the toilet.

Photos coming shortly

Any excuse for cupcakes

Spence turned 6 months old yesterday! Some days it feels like we’ve known him forever and it’s hard to remember life before him. Yet other days I still feel like such a neophyte – unsure of myself while stumbling and bumbling through parenthood.

We marked the occasion with cupcakes for the "big kids" and Spence got a special treat – prunes. Yum. (Trust me, he’ll thank me for this given his recent "issues".)

New things this month:

– The biggest change is he started eating solids. We started with rice cereal and have been adding in fruits and veggies. He LOVES food. He hasn’t made a face or refused anything. He’s tried sweet potatoes, carrots, peas, apples, and prunes. He just gobbles it all down. He even grabs the spoon and tries to feed himself. It’s super messy, but lots of fun to watch him.

– Actually, this might be the BIGGEST change because it affects the entire family. He’s sleeping in his crib at night. It’s only been 1 week and 1 day so I don’t want to declare victory yet, but he really seems to like sleeping in his crib and we all seem to be getting some more sleep. It’s still difficult to get him to fall asleep some nights. And he still wakes up more often than we like, but it’s a major step forward and it went better than we had expected.

– He outgrew his dairy allergy. We moved from soy formula, to hypoallergenic milk-based formula, to full milk formula. He is doing great with the milk now. And mama is free to eat anything her heart desires!

– His hair is growing in (again). He has more hair and longer hair than ever before. It really makes him seem older. I love rubbing his head and feeling his soft hair.

– He is almost sitting up on his own. When he’s on his back he reaches forward and tries to lift himself up (working out those abs just like his mama. NOT!). When we sit him up, he can balance for a few seconds before falling over to the side. I’ve been surrounding him with pillows and letting him experiment with his balance.

– Still no teeth! The teething will never end. These teeth have been just below the gums for over a month, but they just won’t break through the gums.

– Out with the old and in with the new. The vibrating seat, infant car seat, and bumbo all have gone into storage. They’ve been replaced with a convertible car seat and a booster seat (instead of a high chair to save space.) Every time we make the journey down to storage I get a little choked up. My little boy is growing up SO fast.

How his mama’s doing:

Well, I made it 6 months. Each week comes with new challenges and new rewards. I was sick for the first time this week. Working + taking care of baby + trying to take care of myself is difficult to say the least.

– I’ve begun the weaning process. I’m only pumping twice a day now and not doing any night feedings. My breast pump broke last night AGAIN, so that may speed up the weaning process a bit. I still have mixed feelings emotionally about it. I feel guilty about my decision, not matter how I try to rationalize my decision. I don’t think that will go away. But, it’s been lovely having my husband get up to help with the night wakings the last few nights, especially since I’ve been under the weather.

– Speaking of husbands. I’m so grateful to have his help. He really, really makes this all doable. He’s such a huge help. He approaches parenting like we’re equals which I appreciate more and more as I see how other fathers sometimes act like it’s the mother’s job to take care of the kids and they are only around for play time. Ian’s there for the good and the bad. He jumps out of bed at night when he hears the crying and is willing to pace endlessly with Spencer in his arms trying to get him to fall asleep at night.

– Emotionally I feel good. Sometimes the lack of sleep and the stress of keeping it all together gets to me. But overall, I can honestly say that I’m happier than I can remember being. Ever. Plus, Spencer seems to have this instinct to smile at all the right times. Whenever Ian or I am having a bad time, Spencer seems to give us a big grin out of nowhere and it immediately lifts our spirits.

– Physically I still haven’t yet motivated myself to start exercising or dieting to lose the last 10 pounds. I went dress shopping this weekend and it was horrifying. I hated how I looked in everything. The boobs look saggy.  The midsection rolls stick out. The legs are lined with spider veins. It should have motivated me to do something about it, but instead I bought cupcakes. Which brings me back to the point of this post…

Happy Half-Birthday Spence! I love you so much and you’re worth every minute of that excruciating time I spent in the dressing room on Saturday.!   

Learning how to share

Let me start out by saying that we have a great nanny taking care of Spencer. She’s thoughtful, knowledgeable, and kind. We really lucked out.

I wish I could just relax and be happy that I have great childcare. But, having someone care for your child – even when they are as fantastic as she is – is just not easy. I sometimes feel tension, even competitiveness between us.

Now mind you, we’re talking about little things here. Inconsequential things, really. Like one time she asked me to buy a bottle warmer so she could carry warm bottles when they go for outings. I was happy to buy one, but when I showed her, it wasn’t the kind she wanted. She tried it for a day and told me it wasn’t going to work. A perfectly rational person would not take this personally. But, of course I did. Just a little bit. Well, maybe more than a little bit. I felt like somehow I failed as a mother by buying the wrong bottle carrier. And that perhaps she is somehow "better" at this than I am.

Other times I feel like she’s passing judgment on me. That I don’t clean his toys often enough. That I should breastfeed longer. That I don’t dress him warm enough. I sense these things. She never actually says them. Probably I’m just projecting guilt onto myself.

A rational person would just be thankful to have somebody with so much experience caring for her child. She’s been doing this for more than 20 years and has grown kids of her own. She’s been around the block a few times. And I appreciate the nuggets of parenting knowledge she’s able to pass down to us.

But, I’m not a rational person right now. I try to just be thankful and appreciative, but instead I’m a guilt-ridden, over-tired, jealous working mother who wants to be the one taking her son to the zoo for the first time.  I want to be the best. I want to be the one to receive all those precious smiles. It’s hard to share your baby.